Almond "Pure" Joy

Most people call them plain "Almond Joy" candy bars, but I like to refer to them as "Almond PURE Joy" because they make me as happy as Lindsay Lohan at an open bar wedding. I have always thought they were perfect in every way because of their shape, but I've recently come to think that there could be one small improvement made to the Almond Pure Joy candy bar. I know, you may be asking, "How can you improve perfection?".......just stay with me.

(For those of you who have never experienced pure joy in a candy bar, each bar comes with two smaller bars. Each of the smaller bars has two almonds on top of it with this ingenious little space between the almonds for your teeth. Hence, each bar provides two perfect "sectioned" bites with the perfect ratio of almond to coconutty chocolate goodness.)

Back to my idea for the improvement: They need to rethink the placement of the almonds!!!!!!! If they (the all powerful candymakers) would place the almonds ACROSS the bar width-wise instead of length wise, they could fit in THREE almonds per bar! That would make each little bar last for THREE bites AND you would get more almond for your buck! AND since we all know that almonds are good for us, it would, ultimately, make the bar a more healthy choice for the candy consumer.

Just a suggestion...................I just want my four bites to turn into six.

Chalk

I love those chalk drawings that people do on the sidewalks----here is one I wish were on my sidewalk.

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Top 10 things that are more fun than napping during the rain:
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A Short Blog

My blog thingys are too long. I am going to make this one short. There. I'm done.

Those Annoying Little Surveys

Occasionally, I receive one of these cutesy little "Friends Survey" things as a forward from someone. Last year I received this one and saved it for some reason....(From reading some of my answers that I gave that day, I think I must have been obsessing about one particular physical attribute that I have "gained" over the years)....anyway....I digress.....

At first, my gut instinct is to push DELETE because, to be perfectly honest, I really don't care what anyone's favorite color is or how many wonderful places they have traveled to. (Yes, I know about the ending the sentence in a preposition, but see blog #1)

But after that initial impulse to flush the whole survey, the narcisistic part (did I spell that right?)of my brain kicks in and no matter how much I tell myself how stupid this is, I can't help myself. I know that I don't care about anyone's favorite whatever, but maybe, just maybe, someone out there wants to know what MY favorite such-in-so is!

No, that's not true---I DO care about someone's favorite whatnot if they make an effort to put a little "spunk" into the survey. Make it saucy. Make it unique. Make it say more about you than just answering the questions.

So I challenge you, my vast audience, to take an ordinary survey and spice it up a bit. Some questions seem a little impossible to make interesting but just pepper in a few here and there. Make things up if you have to because remember.......in the words of George Costanza from Seinfeld, "It's not a lie if YOU believe it".

First name? Andrea

Do you wish on stars? to lose 50 pounds, I'd wish on the mailman if it would work

When did you last cry? When I got on the scale

What is your favorite lunch meat? Salami

What is your birthday?

If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? If I were another person, then there would be no me, therefore, no friendship......sorry, had a Socrates moment there---

Do you have a journal? No- but I have a cat..

What are your nicknames? in high school my nickname was BoomBoom...this was, of course, before my reduction surgery!!!!!

Would you bungee jump? I'm quite sure there is a weight limit, and I'm also quite sure I'm above it......hahahaha

Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? No---stomach gets in the way

Do you think that you are strong? Physically, no....mentally, yes.....Thank you, Mr. Paxil

What is your favorite ice cream flavor? frozen

What is your least favorite thing about yourself? my weight---when I get on the scale it says, "one person at a time, please"

Who do you miss most? Princess Diana---still haven't quite gotten over that one.

What color pants and shoes are you wearing right now? fat colored pants and barefoot

What are you listening to right now? Stevie Nicks, of course--and R laughing over my shoulder

Last thing you ate? contents of my pantry

If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Black---it's the most slenderizing one in the box---all the other colors are really jealous of it--they talk smack about her behind her back

The first thing you notice about the opposite ? humor

Favorite Drink? Diet Vanilla Coke---Route 44 with extra Sonic ice--yumm!!!!! When I get rich the FIRST thing I am buying is a Sonic ice machine for the garage.

Favorite Sport? Olympic Curling/Kurling

Hair Color? whatever chemical combination covers the gray----

=Eye Color? Blue

Do you wear contacts? No--but I'm blind in one eye---there's some trivia for yall!

Favorite Food? anything with carbs in it

Last Movie You Watched? Napoleon Dynomite----GOSH! IT'S FLIPPIN SWEET!

Favorite Day Of The Year? Fourth of July---reason is: it is typically a "friend" holiday---not a "family" holiday----also---there's no pressure to decorate anything in your house for it---

Scary Movies Or Happy Endings? Anything as long as I can have the buttery popcorn that goes with the movie

Hugs OR Kisses? neither---I am very uncomfortable hugging anyone.....I'm just not a hugger. Kisses only from animals, kids and husbands--

What Is Your Favorite Dessert? Brownie Skillet from Applebees----

What Did You Watch Last night on TV? Boo Hoo---I watched the series finale of one of my favoite shows, Six Feet Under on HBO---I cried most of the night.

Favorite Smells? Clean little boys right after their bath (I miss my boys being little)

Favorite Sounds? Cats purring or a country-western station being turned OFF

Rolling Stones or Beatles? Neither---Stevie Nicks or Fleetwood Mac all the way.

What's the furthest you've been from home? Los Angeles (Thanks Goldilocks!)

Do you have a special talent? Procrastination and Denial

How to be an obsessed fan about someone you have never met.

I have a small obsession with Stevie Nicks. She is my fairy godmother. No, really.......she is....I have one.......for real........our souls are connected............stop rolling your eyes.

One of my friends recently told me that she was thinking about finding a celebrity to become obsessed with. (Yes, I know that sentence ended with a preposition, but it's my blog so I can be e.e.cummings if I want)

I decided to give her a 10 step plan to follow.

She's trying to decide between George Clooney and Matthew McCohnahay/McConohay/McCahnohay.....however you spell that guy's name. (Perhaps step one to becoming a fan should be, "Learn how to spell their name correctly".

Here we go.

Andrea's Guide to becoming an obsessed stalker/fan:

Step 1: Join the fanclub online--this will give you tons of worthless information about your subject---everything from their favorite cartoon animal (Stevie's is Snoopy) and their favorite chairty (Stevie's is the Arizona Heart Institute)

Step 2: Get an outfit that looks like your subject. Hmmmmmmmmm.......since my friend's choices for a stalking subject are both men, I'm not sure how to work this one in. Matthew goes topless ALL THE TIME and I don't know if that is the look she is going for. (Yes, I know I just ended with a preposition again....remember the e.e.cummings and, also the fact that I went to Salado High School)

Step 3: Find out what kind of pet they have/like-----Clooney had a potbellied pig for years and I think I saw in People magazine one time Matthew walking a big golden retriever thing----(Stevie has a Yorkie, Andrea has a silkie.....almost the same......)

Step 4: Subscribe to People Magazine------if your subject of choice is in People, then everything printed about them is gospel, because People doesn't lie.....you KNOW it is true if it's in People for Goodness sake. (yes, that was sarcasm)

Step 5: Start working Clooney or Matthew into random conversations to get others around you to internalize your new obsession and ask questions so you can prove you are a devoted follower............
Someone says to you: "Suzie, have you noticed such in so has been so ABSent minded?"
You Say: "Did you say ABS? That reminds me....have you seen the latest picture of Matthew's ABS in People magazine?"
OR perhaps,
Someone Says: "Hi Suzi! We just got back from our vacation and we went across the Royal Gorge bridge"
You say: "Really? I agree, George IS royal"
"What in the world are you talking about?"
You say: "Oh! I thought you said GEORGE.......as in George Clooney.....did you know that his favorite childhood toy was a (insert info from Step #1 fan club worthless info here)

Step 6: Birthday date/year----find out the subject's birthday and add it to the family calendar. (May 26th has been a part of our family calendar for years....it's "her" birthday)

Step 7: Prepare and practice your expression when people say something that stabs deep deep deep because they don't understand your obsession. "Who is this George Gooney you speak of?" "Matthew McWHO?" Your gut reaction is slap them into the moment and scream "WHAT FLIPPIN PLANET ARE YOU FROM";But your facial expression must be one of sympathy and/or pity coupled with a polite, "Oh, he's just someone I kinda follow and admire". Then just change the subject and know in the back of your mind how lucky you are to have a special soul connection with someone you have never met.

Step 8: You are going to need a special/secret credit card of some other means of getting funds so that when and if the opportunity arises for you to see said subject, you can keep the costs hidden from a spouse or divorce papers will be filed.

Step 9: You will need a clever screen-name for the fan club/email groups/fan lists that you will need to join. This is very very important in the world of obsessed fans.....it seems that whoever has the most clever screen names in discussions appears to be the most devoted fan. Suggestions would be: Looney4Clooney1960--- (You must work quickly because other fans are at this very moment devoting HOURS to their clever name---whoever the JERK is that took EnchantedRhiannon I am STILL trying to hunt down..............)

Step 10: Remember how fun it was to "make fun" of those "nerd" Star Trek -types? The trekkies? Well, you can't do that anymore.......you have just become one.

There you have it!