Liar Liar, Pants On Fire

Dear Mr. President,
I'm really TRYING to like you. I really am.

I didn't actually vote for you, but I know we are all in this together for the next four please dear Lord don't let it be eight years so I'm willing to give you a chance and not whine about it...............well, maybe whine just a little.

To be honest, I don't really understand all this economy stuff.

I don't "speak" economy.

I don't "speak" stimulus package, or bail-out, or Dow Jones.

Let me tell you what I do speak.

I speak DOG. Specifically, RESCUE DOGS........and, well, I also speak Stevie Nicks and Henry VIII trivia, but we won't get into that right now.

Last Fall, you posed on the cover of American Dog with a puppy mill rescue dog named Baby.

You said you would "like" to adopt a dog. (Clever Clinton move, Mr. Obama......using the word "like"..........just in CASE you needed to make it look like you weren't a liar liar pants on fire in the future...........)

In November, Michelle told Entertainment Tonight that the family would be adopting a rescue dog.

Shelter/Rescue/Breed-Rescue Dogs all over the country were suddenly on the cusp of getting a much needed "shout out!"............and to think it was going to be our President that would be leading the way!

Our First Family leading by example to show America to ACT RESPONSIBLY (didn't you say that in your Inaugural address?) and adopt one of the millions of dogs sitting in shelters.

Instead, you accept a purebred pedigreed gift from "American Royalty"........Ted Kennedy?????????????

WHAT THE WHHHHHHAT?

Let me say that again.......because when I say it out loud, the magnitude of your little "fib" hits me like a brick.


YOU ACCEPT A PUREBRED PEDIGREED GIFT FROM TED KENNEDY.

Yeah, sure, I get the whole "this is the dog's second home" story that was so cleverly crafted by the Washington spin machine. How coincidental that RIGHT about the time you were ready to adopt, there just HAPPENED to be this puppy that "didn't work out" at it's former home.

PAH-LEEEEEEEZE!

Did you SERIOUSLY think I would buy that story?

As far as the "allergy" thing goes.......there are plenty of Breed-Specific Rescue groups that you could have used to cover this problem so don't even GO there with me.

The point is, that dog would have found a home regardless. What you did by accepting this "gift" (wink wink) from Prince Kennedy was to put a sweet hardworking shelter/rescue dog out of work. You ripped the job right out from under him.


You SAID you would give him the job, but then you FIRED him before you even HIRED him.

The way I see it, America put their faith in someone who wasn't a "Pedigreed Politician". You didn't come from a long line of political royalty. Frankly, you didn't have a whole lot of experience!!!!! You were a grass roots kinda nominee.

America gave YOU a chance even though you didn't have the Washington equivalent of "AKC Registration Papers".


Shame on you, Mr. President. You should have led by example.

With one brilliantly crafted photo-op to a shelter, you could have single handedly made rescue dogs "the new black".

And while I am glad that your girls now have an animal to love,



I hope "Bo" is hard to potty train and I hope he pees on your rug.

Chick Fil A "Can I Just Say?" (Chapter 2 of 2)

If you haven't read Chapter 1 of this saga, (listed in the blog post just below this one) just know this:
I do love Chick-Fil-A. (or as we lovingly refer to it in our house..."Chick-A-Vay") I think they are a great business and we frequent them often......maybe a little too often.

HOWEVER!................................

Going thru the drive-thru of Chick-Fil-A lately has become an exercise in Lightning Speed Multitasking.

Bottom line is that it STRESSES ME OUT.

This has been bugging me for quite some time so before I started to blog about it, I thought I would google some key words just to see if maybe I was the only crazy person on the planet that actually put thought into fast food drive thru procedures.

When I googled something along the lines of "Chick-Fil-A too fast drive thru" I came across this clever blog entry by 3girlsmom! She made me feel like I wasn't the only one that felt a little rushed during the whole drive thru ordeal! I read her post, patted myself on the back with validation, asked her if I could link her (she said yes!) and began my post to be read and enjoyed by my five or six multitude of readers!

"Here's the Thing": (As Kara Dioguardi would say)

Once you place that order at the microphone, you have unknowingly activated the "Psycho Speed Ordering System" inside that building. It must start the moment your order is complete and the sweet voice says, "Heather will be happy to help you at the window."

That phrase starts the whole machine in motion: "Heather will be happy to help you at the window".

Do NOT be fooled by the kind voice. IT'S A TRAP, PEOPLE!

What that sweet voice REALLY means is this:

"Heather will all be happy to help you at the window to see how fast our skillfully trained team of MANY can toss, launch, hurl, and throw your order into your car so rapidly you won't know what hit you. "

The drive-thru lane has become so consumed with how "many" people it can get through the line, how "many" people they can have working back there and at what speed they can complete the ordering process, it makes the whole event a blood pumping, heart-rate-accelerating-adventure similar to the scariest roller coaster ride at a Disney theme park.

You gotta have your "A-Game" READY once you make the decision to pull up in that line, people.

There's no mamby pamby messin' around with THIS drive thru line.

It AIN'T your grandma's drive thru..............it's a lesson in chaotic efficiency.

When I approach the drive thru "queue" (I love pretending I'm British) I feel like one of those boxers in the corner of the ring when they are jumping up and down saying, "I'm ready, okay, I'm goin' in".....

and they bang their gloves together and take their thumb and rub their nose...........are you getting the visual?

In preparation for placing my order, I have developed a military-like checklist in my head all the while I'm inching up to the holy uproar that awaits me.

I know that 87 arms are lurking behind that tiny window ready to chunk my order at me, get their "My Pleasure's" out, and move on to the next victim behind me in line.

Here's a little hint to have a more successful experience: You MUST have people in the car to lend a hand.........this is not something that can really be done alone.

You are going to need to assemble and train your OWN team in the car to tackle this adventure.....if you are by yourself, ABORT MISSION ABORT MISSION, and head over to McDonalds........trust me, it's not worth it. You can't handle an operation like this alone. You NEED extra hands.

Remember, it's not just you against ONE.....it's you against a drive-thru TEAM.

Four, Five, sometimes even SIX people all working like a well oiled machine at that window! They have sacks to dispense, drinks to maneuver, money to take..............

And they are on some sort of Crazy Speed Clock from Hell........

And They. Mean. Business.


Here's a taste of a typical drive thru scene:
Andrea, G, and R 25 feet from the window.
Andrea says, "ALL HANDS ON DECK, WAKE UP PEOPLE, WE ARE GETTING CLOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!"

22 feet from the window.

Debit card out?................check.

20 feet to the window

Are the cup holders empty and ready?.............check.
(God forBID you have to make them wait to move something around to clear out a cup holder.........this could cause pandemonium)

15 feet to the window......heart rate increasing.

Is the passenger in your car ready, willing, and able to take things to hold while you frantically juggle the next object from the assembly line of hands pawing at you, reaching for you, all screaming "my pleasure" "my pleasure" "my pleasure".
G WAKE UP! PUT THE IPOD AWAY! I NEED YOU! YOU CAN'T JUST SIT THERE! WE'RE ABOUT TO BE AT THE WINDOW! ...............okay, check.

10 feet from the window.....palms sweaty

Do you know what sauce you need and the correct quantity?
I SAID, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT SAUCE YOU NEED AND THE QUANTITY"?

5 feet from the window

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT SAUCES THERE ARE? THERE IS NO TIME FOR THAT! LET'S GO! GO! GO!

2 feet from the window.........ummmmm....ummmmmmm......

"NEVERMIND...YOU'LL GET POLYNESIAN AND YOU'LL LIKE IT!"

Arrive at window.

(At this point, it's really just a blurry lively mess of hand to hand exchanges, flying red and white bags, friendly faces, countless "My Pleasure"'s! that really sound more like this: MY PLEASURE NOW GET MOVING!)

And.....................then, like a flash of lightning, a bad dream, or a spanking..... it's over.

Take a deep breath. "Is everyone okay?"

You pull forward, park, and in a bewildered traumatized trance look around to do a quick damage assessment.

You try to find your debit card or change that was tossed by "Team member #1-Currency Propeller" somewhere during the battle.

You clean up the spilled drinks that didn't quite make it to the cup holder before the next one was propelled into your vehicle by "Team member#2--Liquids Liason".

You pause to divvy up the waffle fries that have all abandoned their sweet red holders and are now nothing but a tangled jumbled heap of starchy goo in the bottom of the sack. All courtesy of "Team member#3--Sack Slinger".

You look in the back seat to see who is crying/pissed off/upset that you didn't have time to ask "Team member#4---Sauce Boss" for Honey Mustard and only managed to make it out with a couple Polynesians. "I had to get out, honey,....there just wasn't time.....THE SAUCE BOSS WAS LOOKING AT ME FUNNY............I HAD TO EVACUATE!"

(Thank goodness nobody wanted a shake, or that would have involved the services of yet another set of hands........"Team Member#5--IcyTreat Launcher")

You gather up your thoughts and head out of the parking lot glancing back in your rearview mirror at all the other soldiers left in the lane.

You say a little prayer for those left behind that they will have the organization, strength, and wisdom to make it out alive and unscathed.

All in the name of Chicken...............really awesome, great, yummy, honeyish, chicken.

Chick-Fil-A "In The Beginning" (Chapter 1 of 2)

Here's the deal: I'm upset with the way Chick-Fil-A does their drive-thru.

So I decided to rant blog about it but along the way, the rant story really became two stories in one.

So this is going to be a TWO POST STORY! (Aren't you excited.....and to think, I'm not even charging you for this stuff!)

I am feeling very "literary" today so I will refer to the two parts as Chapter One and Chapter Two. Really original, huh?

Chapter One will be called "In The Beginning" and serves kinda as the "background" of our family's relationship with Chick-Fil-A.

Chapter Two will be called "Can I Just Say?" which is how I start most of my rants off when I call my sister or Goldilocks.

So welcome to Chapter One. Enjoy.
(If you want to fast forward to the juicy part, feel free to skip this chapter go ahead to Chapter Two.)

When I moved to this area of Houston, I was big fat preggo with my first son. Just about the same time we moved here, the Chick-Fil-A Gods decided to construct a free standing unit very close to my new digs.

Now, I had never been a huge fan of Chick-Fil-A, mainly because of my crazy psycho food issues about cooked food once being dead raw food coupled with growing up with a mother who exhibited not so positive attitudes toward "old dead chickens". So, since I wasn't a big chicken eater, the new addition of this fast food chain wasn't that big of a deal to me...............OR SO I THOUGHT AT THE TIME.

While the mega bosses at the Chick-Fil-A Industry were "building a building", I was "building" their biggest client/fan/life long customer in my big fat preggo belly..........G.

Oh sure, as a new mommy I never DREAMED of EVER purchasing fast food for my baby boy!
I honestly thought that "kid's meals" were for lazy parents and trailer trash. MY child was NEVER going to eat anything out of a sack that came from a drive thru. Not MY kid.

I was going to provide the healthiest of choices for him, cook homemade baby food, breastfeed until he was two, limit all sugar intake, etc......you know, all the things that the books tell you that "good mommies" do.

But then I BECAME a mommy and all that book crap went out the window.
(the car window that is......on my way through a drive thru.....HA!)

G was not a big fan of food when he was little. That child could go for days without eating. Thankfully he would get on "kicks" where he would pick one food to obsess over and eat only that food for the entire day.

Okay, maybe two or three days.
Yeah, okay, maybe a week.
OKAY FINE, I'LL SAY IT.............. a month.

He once went 11 days eating only McDonalds french fries. Let's just say that in a mommy's desperate hours she can convince herself that potatoes and ketchup are healthy vegetables.

One night after unsuccessfully offering everything in my pantry to this kid and him just looking at me like, "You have GOT to be kidding me", I drove to the drive-thru window at Chick-Fil-A and purchased my very first "Kid's Meal".

I brought it home, cut the chicken up in little pieces and BAM.........
(Insert large choir singing "Hallelujah" here).........a love affair was born.

G had discovered his first "True Love"..................."Chick-A-Vay an' a Pepper".

(the "an' a pepper meant "and a Dr. Pepper") Yes, okay, calm down, I DID give my toddler Dr. Pepper. At least I gave it to him in a styrofoam cup with a straw and not in a bottle that reeked of second hand smoke with Looney Toon character decals on the side....so cut me some slack.

"Chick-A-Vay an' a pepper" and G became fast friends.........and 15 years later, the friendship is still going strong. Granted, the little 4 piece Kid's Meal has turned into the 12 pack Value Sized Combo..........but the basics are still there.

Nuggets, Waffle Fries and Polynesian. G's three basic food groups.

I've always pictured the groom's cake at G's wedding to be towering party tray of nuggets with Polynesian icing.

And G's first dance with his bride will be this:


So----moral of the story is, "We Love Chick-Fil-A", will always love Chick-Fil-A, and frequent Chick-fil-A probably a little too often.

I think that's why I take this new drive-thru problem to heart so much-----I feel like a member of my family is messing up and I have this need to let them know.

So.............on to Chapter Two.

When you can walk on water, I guess you won't slip on ice.

Can I just say????????????
(That's how I always start a "rant" off to my sister and Goldilocks when I must get something off my chest)

Can I just say???????????


Our president spoke this morning about the school closings in Washington.
Mr. Obama stated, "Because of what? Some ice? . . . We're going to have to apply some flinty Chicago toughness to this town."

As a former public school teacher, I am more than a little peeved at his comments.

Dear Mr. President...........here are some questions for you.

Do you have ANY idea how many people have to be at a school in order for the doors to open?

A decision to close a school is based not only on the "opening bell" time, but on the ability of all the support staff and people behind the scenes to safely arrive at their destinations. They must start the whole process HOURS before the kids actually arrive in class.

The cafeteria workers have to get there long before the kids to open the kitchen and make the breakfast for those kiddos that have parents who don't seem to think that's a priority. (I taught PreK......don't get me started on the whole breakfast thing..........don't EVEN get me started!)



(Anyone remember "Sloppy Joe....Sloppy Sloppy Joe......." from Adam Sandler's "Lunch Lady" song?? I miss you, Chris Farley)

The janitors have to get there long before the kids to open the building and prepare it for the day.



The bus drivers have to figure out how to maneuver a GIANT 14-Ton Yellow Projectile on Wheels bus around the ice, all the while keeping one eye on the rearview mirror so all the passengers stay safe, seated, and not bullied and pummeled by Little Johnny the minute the driver isn't looking.

(You see, Mr. President, a VAST majority of kids get to school by way of bus.............not by way of chauffeured Lincolns with secret service men.)

Do you have any idea how much school officials angst over this decision?---a decision that has to be made in the wee early morning hours based on looking into a crystal ball to try and GUESS what the next 6 hours will bring?




A decision that can cause them HUNDREDS of pissy irate phone calls down the line when Little Johnny's mom calls to complain that he will be counted absent on the inclement weather make up day that Spring because it cuts into their already scheduled vacation plans.

SCHOOL: "Mrs. Little Johnny, we aren't telling you you can't take him on vacation, we are just telling you he will be marked absent."
MRS. JOHNNY: "But he wants the Perfect Attendance sticker/prize/free happy meal coupon that he has been earning all year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

So sorry Mrs. Johnny, there isn't a prize for "Almost-Perfect-Attendance".......we'll suggest that at the next school board meeting.

(by the way....teacher's have always noticed the DIRECT correlation between the "perfect attendance" and "little Johnnies"............poorly behaved children are RARELY absent.)

Not to mention the fact that private schools making this decision have a much easier time deciding whether making-up days will be necessary.............they aren't under the same State and National regulations for the required number of instructional days in order to get Educational funding!

I know, I know, I know, I can hear you now.........."Snow White, darling.....you need to chill out...he was just making a joke....get over it!"

I just don't think you should be "dissing" your new turf's decisions when you have only lived there EIGHT DAYS! EIGHT DAYS! He's still technically a tourist in that place!

Being the President means you just can't SAY stuff like that! You must THINK before you speak to a gabillion cameras, Barry!

If Chicago is so great with all their "flinty toughness"............maybe you need to return........so your girls can go to school every day.

I have some HOPES of my own today concerning school closings and the administrators in the positions to make the call on cancellations................

I HOPE that everyone got to work safely today.

I HOPE that no bus driver had drive on tricky ice with a busload of screaming kids today.

I HOPE that Little Johnny doesn't slip on black ice today or his mother will sue the school district.

Moral of the story: The school districts are just making the decisions based on what they think is the SAFEST for the kids. You do your President thang and let them do their school thang.

(By the way.......I didn't think of that catchy title about walking on water.......I read it off of a comment from "nog45"on a political blog.....I loved it so much, I couldn't resist. It made me laugh.)


Okay..........I'm done..........I feel better now. Sorry you had to hear that.

OOOPS! ....I lied....just one more thing:

FOOTNOTE! Here is what the Associate Head of School had to say about it: (This is from The Washington Post website)

"At Sidwell Friends, Associate Head of School Ellis Turner replied to the president's challenge in an e-mail to The Washington Post.

"No question, the president is right," Turner wrote. "The next time it snows, we would like to invite him to help us make the decision. His involvement will make it much easier to explain to our students why they won't be able to spend the day sleeping and sledding."

Turner added a tongue-in-cheek reference to the president's school-age years in the Pacific islands: "Or, I suppose Sidwell Friends could merge with Punahou, move our classrooms to Hawaii and never worry about the weather again."

Christmas Shopping Music

Is it just me, or does the Christmas music in the stores seem to be a little excessive?

I was trying to do a little Christmas shopping yesterday and I honestly had to leave the store because I felt like I was going to rip my eyeballs out from all the Christmas cheer.

I know I tend to lean more toward the "scrooge" side of Christmas since I'm not a big holiday person, but honestly.......how many more recordings of "Winter Wonderland" can a girl hear?

How many artists are going to record this song? I've heard the regular version, the rock and roll version, the Chipmunk version, and (get ready to throw up in your mouth a little bit), even a country and western version! (Yes, Virginia, there IS a way to make Country/Western sound more miserable than it already does.)

Has Snoop Dog ever recorded a version? HEY! Maybe the rappers are onto something. They seem to be the only genre of music not jumping on the "Let's Make A Christmas CD" bandwagon.

I'm going to start looking into enjoying more rap music. I just realized I need to give them more respect simply for the above paragraph alone..................

Maybe it's because I'm from Texas? Maybe these songs mean more to people up north?

I mean, no matter how many HOURS I could spend "dreaming.....of a whiiiiiiiiiiite Christmas"....it AINT gonna happen. I have spent MANY a Christmas day wearing shorts. I have NEVER roasted chestnuts on an open fire.....I don't think I would know a chestnut if it bit me. What is a chestnut? And what is Yuletide?

There is only one way I can think of to make all that Christmas music tolerable.........


Have this woman be in charge of singing every song.........maybe THEN I could tolerate.

Nope.........I lied...........maybe if she just re-recorded Rhiannon with jingle bells in the background, now THAT would be acceptable.

"Rhiannon rings like a bell through the night.......(insert jingles here)".............

So, tell me........am I just being scrooge-y or does it get to you, too?

Selling A House

One of my favorite "Avoid-Housework-Surf-The-Internet" activities is to go online to the listings of homes for sale and look at all the pictures. I started doing this as a way to see exactly "WHAT" to do with a room, however, sometimes I run across rooms that are examples of what "NOT" to do .

Example Numero Uno:
The "Sometimes It's Better Just To Leave A Room Empty" Room


I feel so sorry for this sad, lonely, tiny table.

Example Numero Dos:
The "What In The World Is That Painting" Room
Check out the painting. Look at it for a while and see if you see what I see.


Is it just me or does it look like the older kid is peeing on the younger one?


And finally......my personal favorite:

Example Numero Tres:
"Barbie Dreamhouse Meets Marilyn Manson Goth"


How many coats of paint will it take the new owners to fix that ceiling? This room makes my eyeballs sting.
I bet this chick will grow up to live in a house that looks like THIS:


Doesn't it make you crave THIS?:

It also makes me crave those "Snowball" Hostess Snack cakes that I would con my mother into buying for me by SWEARING I would eat them but then I would bite into them and wig out because they felt all spongy and ooey and weird in my mouth.

Remember those "Snowballs"? Like shown here in this lovely, classy wedding cake?



(I bet that was one interesting wedding.)