How to be an obsessed fan about someone you have never met.

I have a small obsession with Stevie Nicks. She is my fairy godmother. No, really.......she is....I have one.......for real........our souls are connected............stop rolling your eyes.

One of my friends recently told me that she was thinking about finding a celebrity to become obsessed with. (Yes, I know that sentence ended with a preposition, but it's my blog so I can be e.e.cummings if I want)

I decided to give her a 10 step plan to follow.

She's trying to decide between George Clooney and Matthew McCohnahay/McConohay/McCahnohay.....however you spell that guy's name. (Perhaps step one to becoming a fan should be, "Learn how to spell their name correctly".

Here we go.

Andrea's Guide to becoming an obsessed stalker/fan:

Step 1: Join the fanclub online--this will give you tons of worthless information about your subject---everything from their favorite cartoon animal (Stevie's is Snoopy) and their favorite chairty (Stevie's is the Arizona Heart Institute)

Step 2: Get an outfit that looks like your subject. Hmmmmmmmmm.......since my friend's choices for a stalking subject are both men, I'm not sure how to work this one in. Matthew goes topless ALL THE TIME and I don't know if that is the look she is going for. (Yes, I know I just ended with a preposition again....remember the e.e.cummings and, also the fact that I went to Salado High School)

Step 3: Find out what kind of pet they have/like-----Clooney had a potbellied pig for years and I think I saw in People magazine one time Matthew walking a big golden retriever thing----(Stevie has a Yorkie, Andrea has a silkie.....almost the same......)

Step 4: Subscribe to People Magazine------if your subject of choice is in People, then everything printed about them is gospel, because People doesn't lie.....you KNOW it is true if it's in People for Goodness sake. (yes, that was sarcasm)

Step 5: Start working Clooney or Matthew into random conversations to get others around you to internalize your new obsession and ask questions so you can prove you are a devoted follower............
Someone says to you: "Suzie, have you noticed such in so has been so ABSent minded?"
You Say: "Did you say ABS? That reminds me....have you seen the latest picture of Matthew's ABS in People magazine?"
OR perhaps,
Someone Says: "Hi Suzi! We just got back from our vacation and we went across the Royal Gorge bridge"
You say: "Really? I agree, George IS royal"
"What in the world are you talking about?"
You say: "Oh! I thought you said GEORGE.......as in George Clooney.....did you know that his favorite childhood toy was a (insert info from Step #1 fan club worthless info here)

Step 6: Birthday date/year----find out the subject's birthday and add it to the family calendar. (May 26th has been a part of our family calendar for years....it's "her" birthday)

Step 7: Prepare and practice your expression when people say something that stabs deep deep deep because they don't understand your obsession. "Who is this George Gooney you speak of?" "Matthew McWHO?" Your gut reaction is slap them into the moment and scream "WHAT FLIPPIN PLANET ARE YOU FROM";But your facial expression must be one of sympathy and/or pity coupled with a polite, "Oh, he's just someone I kinda follow and admire". Then just change the subject and know in the back of your mind how lucky you are to have a special soul connection with someone you have never met.

Step 8: You are going to need a special/secret credit card of some other means of getting funds so that when and if the opportunity arises for you to see said subject, you can keep the costs hidden from a spouse or divorce papers will be filed.

Step 9: You will need a clever screen-name for the fan club/email groups/fan lists that you will need to join. This is very very important in the world of obsessed fans.....it seems that whoever has the most clever screen names in discussions appears to be the most devoted fan. Suggestions would be: Looney4Clooney1960--- (You must work quickly because other fans are at this very moment devoting HOURS to their clever name---whoever the JERK is that took EnchantedRhiannon I am STILL trying to hunt down..............)

Step 10: Remember how fun it was to "make fun" of those "nerd" Star Trek -types? The trekkies? Well, you can't do that anymore.......you have just become one.

There you have it!